I don’t remember exactly when I learned that people will click on anything that involves lists. The headline could be completely benign, but if there’s a list involved, it’s like crack for people doomscrolling. Originally this blog was called Top 4 Worst Condiments, but then I realized that was too easy. Plus, I hate clickbait — unless it’s really lurid.
And Lord knows Dijonnaise doesn’t qualify as lurid.
Want to know how I know lists work like a charm? For one, you’re reading this.
And second, two years I wrote a blog entitled 44 Stupid Things I’ve Learned Since My Stupid Birthday Last Year. People clicked on it in droves. And commented. And commented some more. And shared. And shared some more.
Last year, I updated it to 45 Additional Stupid Things I’ve Learned Since My Stupid Birthday Last Year. It turned out to be my second most read blog of 2024. (The most read, you ask? Appropriately enough, it was Top 8 Reasons You Should Never Work For Life Time Fitness. Theory proven yet again, bitches!)
So, because I’m lazy, I decided to create a new similar-esque blog this year. It’s my birthday gift from me to you. It’s perceptive insight you likely/probably/definitely/desperately should know. As I wrote in last year’s blog: “Enjoy and abide by this list. Or don’t. Who cares? It’s my birthday. I’m eating my weight in frosting today.”
46) As a gesture of kindness, send someone — anyone — an e-gift card today.
I started a new job a few weeks ago and my co-workers have been overly kind and gracious helping me get acclimated. I sent them both Starbucks gift cards. You would have thought I bought them new cars. Best money I ever spent.
45) Watch HBO’s The White Lotus in its entirety.
Mama, this show is garbage. Most characters have zero redeeming qualities. Everyone is obscenely rich and devoid of any ethics. Hell, carnival workers have more morals and scruples. That being said, it’s schadenfreude in TV form and I’m here for it.
44) Spend the money and get your car professionally detailed once a year.
1) You’re worth it. 2) Your car is worth it. 3) Those mummified French fries under your seat are only gonna get more mummified. And 4) That rank smell of spoiled Fritos in your automobile is offensive to everyone except you, apparently.
43) Get a physical, dammit.
If you’re reading this blog, you’re a person of a certain age. (I know my demos.) And that age means you’re likely overdue for a mammogram or a prostate exam. Call your doc, make an appointment, and go get your labs done, preferably before Independence Day.
42) Take an eight-week class.
Learn how to Lambada. Discover the fine art of ceramics. Improve your golf swing. I don’t care if it’s improv or interpretative dance. Just get outside your comfort zone one night a week. (Ask me about flunking out of a sign language class sometime. To this day, I’m still glad I did it even though I failed miserably at it.)
41) Visit Athens, Georgia.
While Savannah is a bigger draw, Athens, Georgia is an off-the-beaten path cultural destination. It’s where bonafide bohemians, intellectuals, virtuosos, and aficionados all come together in unison. This burgeoning college town is also a music Mecca. It’s home to two of my all-time favorite groups, The B-52s and R.E.M. Dare I say, Athens is at the intersection where hippy meets trippy and artsy meets fartsy.
40) Realize life is too short to be miserable in your job.
Quit. Or start looking for another job, like yesterday. You deserve better. And you deserve to work for someone who values and appreciates you.
39) Have a fragrance-ologist create a signature scent for you.
Screw cologne. I’m all about essential oils. Years ago, I found a woman who created a custom blend for me. It was a magical combination of peppermint, bergamot, lemongrass, and lavender. It took plenty of trial and error to get the ratios synced, but now it’s become my fragrant calling card.
38) Get your will squared away.
I hate to say it, but mortality is a matter of when, not if. And while you’re at it, look into your medical last wishes. Best to have all your ducks in a row.
37) Get your parents’ will squared away.
My folks had the wherewithal to create a trust for me. If you have siblings, you need to designate everyone’s role long before grief and greed inevitably take over. (I know you know I’m right.)
36) Find a vitamin regimen that works for you.
I don’t care if it’s IV infusions, shots, or daily pills you pop. Your body is clamoring for vitamins, minerals, and nutrients. It’s made a huge difference in how I feel.
35) Plant an obscene amount of flowers in your yard.
Or have someone do it for you. And then tend to them. I guarantee it will reduce your blood pressure.
34) Charge your phone on airplane mode.
Fun fact — if your phone has run out of battery and you need to charge it in a hurry, try putting it on airplane mode. You may not be able to receive calls, but your phone will charge much faster.
33) When looking at recipes online, click the print link.
It mercifully cuts out the unnecessary backstory and needless author musings.
32) Sign up for Global Entry instead of TSA-Pre.
TSA-Pre is included. Why pay twice? You’re welcome.
31) Speaking of documents, have you gotten your Real ID driver’s license yet?
Most states are requiring you have that in the next few weeks. Better figure it out given that airlines soon won’t let you fly without it.
30) Tell Alexa (or Siri or Spotify) to play “Summer Samba.”
It’s the perfect blend of soul-soothing bossa nova and Brazilian jazz.
29) Hire someone to brush up your resume or LinkedIn before you need it.
You never know who’s looking to hire you. (PS. I know a career coach you need to know.) (PPS. Or hell — I’ll help with your LinkedIn accordingly.)
28) Buy these in gross quantities. Give them out as gifts.
I’ve started passing these out like sticks of gum. Everyone loves ‘em. They’re the perfect party favor.
27) Snoop around Glassdoor.
Want to know the real scoop about a potential employer? Curious about the owner of a company? Glassdoor will pull back the curtain on rogue behavior.
26) RoosRoast’s Lobster Butter Love Coffee will revolutionize your life.
I meant what I said. And I said what I meant.
25) Invite someone over to cook with you.
Note I said with you, not for you.
24) With kid gloves, offer to help your folks purge or downsize stuff in their house.
They’ve lived in the same house for 40 years. That’s 40 years of stuff they’ve accumulated. If they’re living in clutter, help get them organized. At some point their mess will become your mess if you’re not careful.
23) Seek out people that elevate your energy.
Wonder why certain folks pique your interest and you gravitate towards them? Their energy is on point. Find ways to complement their energy and aura — and seek to add to it.
22) Read this blog on my medium Steffany Barton.
I miss her every single day. May she rest in peace.
21) Cut ties that bind.
Friendships can have an expiration date — and that’s okay.
20) Keep a $20 bill in your car.
I can’t tell you the amount of times this tip has saved my ass. From tolls to a forgotten wallet, $20 is likely the perfect amount to get you out of a jam. Or a parking garage that only takes cash.
19) Egg bites are the perfect, protein-packed snack.
Morning, noon, or night. Just try not to overpay for them at Starbucks.
18) Invest in new pillows.
It’s time.
17) Clean out ONE closet in your house.
Literally, take every damn thing out, sort accordingly, furiously purge as needed — especially if there’s an avalanche of crap when you open the closet door. (I know a really thorough professional organizer.)
16) Buy one really trashy celebrity memoir.
Or procure the audiobook. When you need a mindless break, read a chapter. Corey Feldman springs to mind. So does Jessica Simpson. Or Katie Couric.
15) Indulge in the podcast “Okay, Here’s The Story …”
My friend Dee Geery has the most random podcast on the planet. It’s an odd duck mix of storytelling, reaction videos, and other sundry items. Color me a fan. Follow, like, subscribe. You know the drill. 
14) Next time you’re at a restaurant, see if they have a secret menu.
That’s how I discovered my all-time favorite Italian dish — chef Jasper Mirabile’s clandestine shrimp de Jonghe. It will make you impervious to vampires.
13) Splurge on a travel agent.
They take the worry out of planes, trains, and automobiles. And if something goes sideways on your trip, someone has your back. (PS. I know a gal.)
12) Order this product immediately.
Youth To The People’s Vitamin C + Caffeine Energy Serum is magic in a bottle. I’m obsessed. It will immediately brighten your complexion. And a small dollop after your shower will visibly reduce morning puffiness and keep your face hydrated for hours.
11) If somebody invites you to something, then go, dammit.
I joke I’d go to the opening of an envelope. It’s true. If someone goes out of their way to invite you to something, make an appearance. Stay for 15 minutes. Leave. Yes, you’re Miranda Priestley.
10) Tweet to a celebrity.
One time I got a gracious response back from RuPaul Drag Race’s Michelle Visage. It absolutely warmed the cockles of my cockle.
9) Go on eBay and bid on a nostalgic piece of your childhood.
I didn’t win it, but I did bid on a mint condition “CHiPS” lunchbox. I carried that thing around for nearly three years in elementary school — and that was despite Ponch having a visibly deformed forehead.
8) Look into getting new windows for your house.
I shopped around and found a good deal. Amazing how a few new, energy-efficient windows can bring down your heating bill. I never realized how much I despised a drafty room.
7) Proudly sing the wrong lyrics to popular songs you’ve misunderstood.
Who else thought “Our Lips Are Sealed” was an ode to Lucille Ball called “I Love Lucille?” I can’t be the only one.
6) Go to a state fair this summer.
Naturally, I’m apt to suggest the Iowa State Fair, but, of course, I’m biased.
5) Send thank you notes.
It’s a long-lost art. Yes, I’m talking handwritten and signed … uh, and mailed.
4) Take someone under your wing and relentlessly check in on them. Ensure they know they’re loved.
“The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.” – so sayeth Mother Teresa.
3) Turn your cupcake into a sandwich.
Why did no one teach me this forty years ago?
2) Schedule a reflexology appointment.
There is nothing — and I mean, nothing — better than someone rubbing your tootsies and calves. Treat yo’self and get the hour-long treatment complete with a scrub and soak.
1) Make people fuss over you on your birthday. Expect no less.
Harass them if they don’t. Why? Because you’re a big deal. They should feel immense guilt—because, yes, you’re f*cking worth it.