Growing up, I never had any allergies.  I think I was the only kid on the face of the earth that apparently didn’t suffer from hay fever.  As I get older, I’m starting to acquire some weird allergies and it’s driving me crazy.

I used to wolf down milkshakes, ice cream and frozen yogurt like it was going out of style.  Now the mere thought of drinking a glass of milk makes my stomach churn.   Or rather, butter churn.  Somewhere along the way my body has become wildly lactose intolerant.  Every time I see a “Got Milk?” campaign I think … got nausea, got cramps, got gas, got the shits?

Salmon, meanwhile, is something else I can’t tolerate.  I like salmon – but believe me, it does NOT like me.  It’s getting harder and harder to go out for sushi since every other roll is laden with salmon.   Blech.   I can always tell when I’ve accidentally ingested the dreaded red fish.   I break out in flop sweats …. sort of like when you’re hooked up to a lie detector.  Immediately following is the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns in my belly.   And then, of course, my lower intestines fall out.   And those are the high points.

See the wig I’m wearing in this picture?  All was fine and dandy that night.  Two days later I had broken out in hives on my face thanks to the latex in the wig.  I looked like a leper.  I was splotchy and red for a week.  Stupid latex.  So much for going as a human balloon for Halloween, huh?

Honey gives me the sniffles.  Bad shoes give me heart palpitations.  And the list goes on and on.  I’m allergic to a lot more things … but I won’t bore you.  If it gets worse, I’ll get hopped up on Benadryl.  If it gets better, strawberry malts for everyone!