There’s rich.  There’s filthy, stinking rich … and then there’s Palm Beach.  For the last few days I’ve been visiting my dear friend Tamie and taking in the sights.  It’s like being on an episode of “Lifestyles of The Rich & Famous” minus the annoying British guy.

People spend ridiculous amounts of money down here on mindless whatnot.  Economy schmeconomy.  This is OLD money we’re talking about … and I want to be a part of it.  I’ve already started talking like I’m of immeasurable wealth.  I jut out my lower jaw and speak as if I have potatoes in my mouth — everything is long and drawwwwwwn out.  Plus, I add nonsensical non-sequiturs like, “How delightful” and “That is simply to DIE for”.

In my former life, I’m sure I was one of those rich socialite women who “does lunch”.   It’s been quite fun seeing how the other half live … with their Pucci’s and Gucci’s.  When I pulled up in my Chevrolet, I was quickly asked to move my car.  Seems Chevys clash with Ferraris and Bentleys.  My bad.

I was at a store yesterday where a woman paid $18,000 for a handbag.  And, yes, she was carrying one of those little rat dogs around with her.  I desperately wanted to ask if the handbag was for her … or to carry her dog.  But she had — what appeared to be — bodyguards around her.  So my opportunity was squelched.

Down here, there’s actual paparazzi lurking.  They pop out at the most inopportune times … and I’m not even famous.  You can see them milling around behind bushes and alleyways.  And they always collectively groan as one unit when they realize the person getting out of the Rolls Royce is a nobody.

Palm Beach has always been a haven for the wealthy.  Or should I say … it puts the “have” in haven.  I found a $350 pair of swim trunks yesterday that I coveted.  And a $95 pair of flip flops.  And don’t even get me started on the sunglasses I want.  They were well over $1,000.

I’m getting ready to go see houses that are for sale down here.  I’m not thinking of buying, mind you.  I’m thinking of robbing some banks first — in order to finance a small down payment.  I’m no fool.

I’m back tomorrow.  The days of ($285 bottles of) wine and (Japanese) roses are officially over.