A month ago — out of the clear blue sky — I got a call from KC’s premiere, uber-schwank, uber-trendy department store Halls.  Seems they wanted little ol’ me to audition to be their new spokesperson.   The store, in case you didn’t know, is owned by parent company Hallmark.   Halls is an institution and can be found right in the heart of KC’s famous Country Club Plaza.  It’s a Mecca for the shopping elite.

Why the hell they wanted me to be their new spokesperson, I’ll never know.  But bless their hearts, they picked me.  (They like me … they really like me!)

Now, it’s been a long, LONG time since I’ve been in FRONT of the camera.   I’ve settled in nicely to being a director and being behind-the-scenes.  Going back to being an actor is NOT like riding a bike … you really DO forget how difficult it can be.  During my first rehearsal, I was positive I would be fired at any moment.  I botched lines.  I ruined takes.  I argued with the director.  I had serious flop sweats.

But after a week of relentless rehearsing (read that: talking to myself like a crazy person), I finally got comfortable with the lines.   The director Darren Mark was a Godsend (read that: I nearly killed him).   Like any director, he wanted to get the best takes out of me, even if that meant exchanging pleasantries through clenched teeth.

The whole production was top-notch.  I had fittings.  I had a make-up artist.  The only thing missing was the Barbara Walters lens-filter.  (You know … where they smear the camera lens with Vaseline or cover it with pantyhose to make Babs look 15 years younger.)  When I stumbled in for my fitting, the VP of Apparel tried his very best to make me appear urban and trendy.   He tried, quite unsuccessfully —  to get me to squeeze in to some skinny jeans.  Me + skinny jeans = joke.   I am all ass and legs.  An African American gal pal of mine once told me that I was trapped in the body of a black girl.  She speaks the truth.  Eventually, the stylist broke down and got me some “Gentleman’s Jeans” (read that: expensive old man denim that’s generously cut through the seat and thighs).

Yesterday, I wasn’t necessarily nervous.  I just wanted to do a good job and make everyone happy.   It’s a little daunting and slightly surreal that to think a retail establishment’s holiday campaign was built around yours truly.  But I think the whole thing went off without a hitch.  I didn’t fart.  I didn’t swear.  I didn’t pass out.  (Those are the first three things they teach you in acting class.)

We shot two campaigns yesterday.  Two down … eight to go.  I’m having my jaws wired shut in the meantime.  I’m gonna squeeze in to those skinny jeans if it KILLS me.