I am constantly telling people what to get me for Xmas. I am not a difficult person to buy things for … in fact, I’m just the opposite. I consistently like to get the exact same things every year. Getting me a gift is NOT a cross to bear people … it’s really quite simple.

Last year my dad got me a bowie knife for Xmas.  You read right – a bowie knife. Bowie. Knife. A big one too … reminiscent of something Rambo would use. What in God’s name would I use a bowie knife for?  It is HIGHLY unlikely I would ever gut a deer while driving from Missouri to Iowa. I doubt I’m ever engaged in hand to hand combat in the jungle.  And, chances are, my days as a serial killer are over.

So, I politely asked, “Dad – why did you get me a bowie knife?” His response, “Well, I knew you didn’t have one.” To which I replied, “Dad, I don’t have a giraffe either – but I doubt I ever need one of those.”

So now … in no specific order are the items I want this year (and EVERY year) for the freakin’ holidays:

Bottles of Cupcake Chardonnay and/or La Crema Chardonnay

A large bottle of Issey Miyake men’s cologne.  (The original … nothing else.)

An assortment of gift cards to Best Buy

Turtle Wax Car Washes

Luggage

Men’s Boxer Briefs … Size L Black.

Men’s Socks … Black

Gift cards to JCrew.  (Duh.)

No, I don’t want/need a Chia Pet. No, I don’t want/need porn. No, I don’t want/need fast food gift cards. No apparel.  No fruit cakes, no fruit baskets, cheese baskets, goodie baskets or any thing with cellophane. And finally, no, I don’t want/need anything from Kohl’s, Sears, JC Penny, Montgomery Wards, Marshall’s, Gordman’s, The $1 Store, Dollar Tree, Stein Mart, TJ Maxx, Big Lots, Burlington Coat Factory, Old Navy or Harold Penner Men of Fashion.

Enjoy your holidays! And God bless each and every one of you! Now stop reading and start shopping for me immediately.  Good Lord.