Over the years, I have worked for almost every network affiliate known to man … KCCI-CBS in Des Moines, WESH-NBC in Orlando and KMBC-ABC here in Kansas City.  But I did some of my best work at the now-defunct UPN network.  Why?  Because when you’re a perpetually fourth or fifth (or sixth – sorry, Chad) rated station – you can pretty much do whatever you want. 

In the eleven years I spent in television, my job was pretty much the same.  Shamelessly, blatantly promote the station and its personalities.  I got to be pretty good at it.  I had to deal with your usual anchor tantrums and the occasional hissy-fits thrown by reporters who thought they SHOULD be anchors.  85% were delightful to work with … and the other 15% were complete douche bags or divas.  (Or both … hello, Sarah Jarvis.) 

 By the time I got to UPN, the only thing I had to promote were some outstanding sub-par sitcoms and the occasional syndicated programming.  I freakin’ loved it.  Our mascot was a parrot – which fit quite nicely at our sister station in West Palm Beach … but had no significance whatsoever in the Midwest. 

I cut my teeth on shows like “Homeboys from Outer Space” and “The Parkers”.  And that’s saying something – because I’m the whitest white boy in the history of white people.   

Once UPN became a legitimate network, they landed upscale and trendy shows like “WWE Smackdown” and “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”.  It didn’t matter what sort of promotion I did.  Some tacky.  Some lurid.  Didn’t matter.  I would throw it against a wall and it would stick.  To this day, I’m aghast and appalled at some of the things my boss and I managed to get on the air.  But it made me proud to push the envelope of both good taste AND sexism.  

During my stint at UPN, I got nominated for three Emmys – and won one.  Don’t ask.  It was an obscure category.  But every time I walk by my mantle and spy my Emmy award – I’m always sure to give a shout out to “The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer”.  And no the “P” is not silent.