I went to therapist a few years ago to see what it was all about.  Within the first fifteen minutes the therapist told me I was a shallow, egomaniacal, raging narcissist.

I thought … now that’s some good shit right there.

I said, “Eh, so I have a few faults … who doesn’t?”

For the next four sessions we worked on things like my extreme vanity and delusionary tendencies.  At least I think that’s what we worked on.  The doctor had a big mirror in her office and I could not focus on what she was saying because I never met a mirror I didn’t like.

My therapist was very no nonsense.  Her face was forever blank.  She made no facial expressions except when she would wrinkle her nose, like she smelled something bad.  I went to go see her because she came highly recommended.   And because, according to my friends — my mental health was teetering somewhere between clear-headed and Sybil.   (I have no idea how the voices in MY head were bothering THEM, but whatever.)

The therapist didn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know.   And eventually after the four sessions she cut me loose … saying I was miraculously cured.   I didn’t even get any drugs.  I figured by the third session I’d be hopped up a la’ “Valley of the Dolls”.

Two weeks ago, I discovered the Starz sitcom “Head Case”, about a neurotic therapist who counsels whacko celebrities.   It’s out on DVD … go rent it.  It reminded me of my time in therapy.  Even though I’m not famous, I think I am.  And my therapist constantly reminded me I’m no better than anyone else.

I thought, “Now who’s the delusional one??”

On the show “Head Case”, the therapist Dr. Elizabeth Goode uses a variety of techniques to help her patients.   Most unorthodox.   Her celeb patients will use dolls, masks, weapons or whatever sundry items are nearby to help in their progress.   My therapist had no props, unless you count her pen, which she’d wave in the air when I was getting off subject.  She would scribble a lot of notes in my chart.  I think she was doodling.  I can be a Chatty Cathy.

All in all, therapy was helpful, but not awe-inspiring.  I didn’t have any major breakthroughs or epiphanies … save for when I told my doc she could really use a good crème rinse to tame her frizzy ‘do.  I suggested a delightful Aveda product.

And wouldn’t you know it …that was the only thing she didn’t write down.