Here’s a few staunch observations about my time in the country.
1 – The PeopleOfWalMart.com are not limited to just Wal-Mart. They are everywhere down here. It’s some sort of sub-human life form. Very primitive and, to be honest, not very friendly. Because I had teeth, they quickly realized I was not from around these parts. Well, that … and I wasn’t wearing gingham.
2 – In the teeny-tiny town I’m staying in, I spied several bars, two churches, a funeral home and a Dollar General store. I’ve never been so happy to see a chain store in all my life. Not one doctor or dentist though. I ask you … what happens when a combine mows someone down? Or someone is attacked by a rabid skunk? Or both? When I come down here again, I’m bringing an extensive first aid kit. Just call me Doc Baker.
3, The sunsets, the sunrises, the moon and stars are way more impressive and colorful than I remember them being in the city. Last night’s amber waves of grain sunset was light years (get it?) ahead of anything you’d see in the metro.
4, Did I mention there wasn’t a doctor or dentist for miles? Well, there’s also not a gym … or anything resembling a gym. Or a playground. Or a tennis court. Or basketball court. How do these people get exercise? They don’t. Snapping turtles could outrun them. The nearby Amish, meanwhile, all look healthy and fit … and surprisingly young for their age. You do the math.
5, There are about 10 bazillion different smells down here. I’m still getting used to olfactory overload. Sure, I recognize “skunk” and “meth lab”, but everything else is a mystery. At one point, I thought I caught a whiff of deer musk. Turns out it was just Canoe Cologne by Avon.
6, I sat out on the porch yesterday (not in a swing or anything) and watched a small storm roll in. It was pin drop quiet except for the rain hitting the leaves on the ground. And the occasional clink of the wine bottle as I poured myself another glass of Chardonnay.
7, Farmers work really hard around here. It’s ridiculous all the things they have to do to eek out a living. I thought about that long and hard before my 2nd afternoon nap.
8, It’s nothing but white people as far as the eye can see down here. No, seriously. I haven’t seen an ethnicity since I got down here. Unless you count hillbillies, but they’re still wholly Caucasian. (And, just so we’re clear, I was informed there are educated rednecks down here … they are called Hill Williams. Seriously.)
9, I gave a lot of people the finger yesterday. No, it’s not what you think. When you’re driving along, you acknowledge everyone. It’s this new-fangled idea that city folk haven’t quite warmed up to yet. It’s called being friendly. Anytime you see someone … another driver, some person on the street or a dead possum, you wave at them. Well, sorta. You simply lift your index finger off the steering wheel and then put it back down. Or TWO fingers, if you’re feeling generous. They do the same or nod back at you. It’s called the “Farmer Wave”. And, again, no I’m not kidding.
10, And finally the highlight of the weekend around these parts was the delivery of a new John Deere tractor yesterday. I wouldn’t be surprised if it makes the front page of the paper. Come to think of it, my visit should be front page news too.