A wise director once told me, “Never, ever, EVER work with kids or animals.”  I’ve stayed true to that until last week.  Thursday’s “What The Chic” featured a segment on Back-To-School Fashion for the kiddies.  Yes, I was forced, at gunpoint, to work with small children.   (Shudder.  Cringe.)

It was just as horrendous as you might imagine.  Six well-dressed ragamuffins running amuck through a TV station.  (Kinda sounds a tragic sitcom on “ABC Family”.)

When I got to the station, the kids were on their semi-best behavior.  You could tell their moms’ had threatened them within an inch of their lives.  Unfortunately, the moms were also doling out candy like, well, candy.  I immediately swiped it all out of their grubby little hands and mandated, “None of you will have any more sugar until this shoot is over, you hear me?”  They looked at me and giggled.  The sugar had already started to course through their bloodstream.

I was doomed.

If I weren’t wearing a $450 shirt, I would’ve broken out in a cold sweat.  I quickly turned to the mothers and hissed, “Put the Gummi Bears away and let’s go rehearse!”  The kids followed me like a maniacal Pied Piper, but just because I was the one currently in charge of candy distribution.

Once rehearsals started the children seemed to be taunting me.  A simple request like, “Line up here” would fall of deaf ears.  Why deaf ears?  Because these kids were screeching in an octave only dogs could hear.  I immediately popped in earplugs.  I kept reaching for my boot flask only to realize I forgot to fill it.

During the show itself, I was babbling like a moron.  I had one eye on the camera and one eye on the kids off-screen who were hopping around like Mexican jumping beans.  You can watch the fun unfold in the link below:

http://www.kctv5.com/video/24530904/index.html

You will note at the very end of the segment one of the kids goes missing.  As if on cue, the child had a complete meltdown on LIVE television.  A full-on temper tantrum.  You’ll note my voice gets a little shaky as I’m trying to corral the kids and tug on the photographer to stay away from shooting Damien, the demon seed.

The smile on my face?  Fake.  My loathing for small children?  Real.  Thank God back to school only comes once a year.  And thank GOD Halls doesn’t carry clothes for small animals.