Snow and I have a love/hate relationship.  I used to love it … but now I hate it and it hates me.   

Growing up in Iowa, I was not fazed by blizzards and ice storms.  I dressed like Nanuck of the North and was undaunted by sub-arctic temperatures.  That was then.  And this is now.  Since moving three hours south to Kansas City, the slightest temperature swing sends me in to complete fits.  I despise even the slightest dusting of snow on the ground.  And I find myself driving like an 82 year-old grandmother when there’s a threat of sleet. 

Good thing too.  Today, while I was gently tap, tap, tapping on my brakes all the way to work … cars were careening out of control in front of me.  Miraculously, I made it to work unscathed.  In the span of four minutes, I saw a car smash in to a guard rail and another veer off an embankment.  I, meanwhile, was driving so slowly it was as if I was going in reverse.  Being cautious probably saved my hide … as my mom would deftly point out. 

Since I just came back from sunny Florida, I have felt frozen solid from the minute I got off the plane.  (Mainly because I did not pack a coat … my bad.)  I spent 45 minutes sitting as close my fireplace as possible (without actually bursting in to flames) in order  to warm up.   

Take a quick inventory of my house … and you will find ten or fifteen fleece blankets scattered around.  They are there to wrap yourself up in.  Lord knows I would HATE to get a chill.  Chills cause the vapors.  And vapors can kill.  (When I turned in to a nursing home resident … I’ll never know.) 

Now, I’m forced to return to the Hinterlands to visit my parents for the holidays.  They haven’t left the house once since the first frost.  They totally have the right idea.  They keep the house so freakin’ warm, it causes the dog to pant.  My dad wears not one, but TWO sets of pajamas to bed each night.  And my mom is wrapped head to toe in an oversized full-length terry cloth robe … over her sweatsuit, of course. 

Forget Aspen.  Forget Colorado.  And screw Alaska.  I’m never going skiing, sledding or snowmobile riding again.  Ever.  I’ll just stay in a nearby lodge and drink hot toddys all night.  Those things will warm you from the inside out. 

Hawaii cannot get here soon enough.