I’m doing auditions today at my place of gainful employment.  I’m desperately trying to find new talent for commercials.  That’s what directors/casting people like me do.  People traipse in off the street … put on a smiley-face … and overact to the point of ad-nausea.  If only everyone could be like that, the world would be a much better place. 

 Sometimes, I’m an ugly, snarky mood.  But do I ever show it?  Maybe once every four or five years.  I can fake happiness, contentedness and joy like no one else I know.  Am I perpetually happy?  No, but I like to think I am.  I typically have enough endorphins and serotonin in my body to fool me in to thinking everything is bliss.  It’s called euphoria under delusion – and I’d strongly suggest it to anyone. 

When I see actors come in, I can typically spy who’s going to be good (or who’s going to suck) in .04 seconds.  It’s a gift … an innate skill.  Sigourney Weaver was shot down sixteen times during auditions (sometimes brutally) before finding her own.  She was typically competing against Meryl Steep during round after round of auditions.  That’s enough to make anyone stay under the covers.  But she persevered. 

My acting skills are waning.  Unless I’m performing my own material, I can’t hold my own.  Acting requires memorization and practice – I don’t have time for either.  If there’s not a cue card or TelePrompTer within ten feet … forget it.  I often have a recurring nightmare that I’m about to go on some LIVE television special when suddenly I realize I have no TelePrompTer … and I have to wing it.  It’s always enough to wake me up in a cold sweat.   

 I love all the things that make me a director.  I love my director’s chair.  I love saying “ACTION!” and “CUT!”  I don’t wear an ascot or anything, but I’m considering getting one of those bullhorns to carry around with me for posterity.  To date, I have yet to make an actor cry, but it’s a personal goal for me.  And while I don’t ever want to work on a feature film – I think I’d be swell bossing sitcom actors around. I’m clever … and I can be wickedly funny by proxy.  Just don’t make me get up in front of LIVE studio television audience without cue cards.  I’ll have a stroke.