Whether it be on an airplane, in a back alley or at a funeral, we’ve all experienced a Brush with Greatness. I’ve just done it a few more times than y’all. I’ve been lucky enough to meet, well, everyone. I consider myself practically famous, just by proxy. So because I’m such a phenomenal interviewer, I decided to interview myself so you’d be enlightened.

MM: You used to interview celebs for a living, yes? Offhand, what’s your single worst interview? Or the celeb you loathe the most?

M2: They are one in the same. Tommy Lee Jones. He said exactly nine words during a four minute interview. It was ugly, painful and I wanted to punch him in the throat. Oh, and for the record, those words were: yeah, I guess, fine, I dunno and you’re welcome.

MM: On the flip-side, best interview/celeb EVER?

M2: That would be Jennifer Lopez, or JLo, when I interviewed her. I fawned over her as much as she fawned over me. I even asked for a special VIP table at Madre’s, her new restaurant in Pasadena. She obliged. I ate dinner sitting NEXT to Penelope Cruz. Yeah, I’m kind of a big deal.

MM: Wackiest?

M2: If I were a betting man, I’d say Ashton Kutcher was strung out of his mind during our interview. Total trainwreck back in the day. He pulled a Tom Cruise and jumped up on top of the director’s chair for no reason during the interview. When he found out I was from Iowa, that’s all he wanted to talk about. And don’t even get me started on Anna Nicole Smith.

MM: Anyone you need to meet before you die, or have you interviewed EVERYONE?

M2: Madonna. Louise. Veronica. Ciccone. Ritchie. And, of course, Dolly Parton.

MM: Do you feel a connection with these celebs? Like you’re bonding?

M2: Rarely. The late Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island was a relentless cougar, that’s all I’m going to say about that. And the freaky Andy Dick lived up to his last name.

MM: You’re kind of flippant and catty in real life. Do you get away with that during interviews?

M2: I was fairly reverent unless the interviewees were up for general goofiness. For awhile, every time I’d interview someone, they’d pass away months later. Aaliyah. John Ritter. Anna Nicole Smith. I was starting to get a complex.

MM: ‘Fess up, have you ever just randomly bumped in to someone?

M2: I saw Scott Bakula in the St. Louis Airport once. I wouldn’t have noticed, but his kid was having a complete temper tantrum-type meltdown and it was drawing attention.

And speaking of airports, I was stuck on a layover in Denver once so I decided to hunker down on the screenplay I’ve been writing. I kept getting totally distracted by this helium-voiced woman talking on her cell phone. It was Jane Wiedlin from The Go-Go’s.

MM: You’re writing a screenplay. Go figure. Nothing shocks me anymore. Congrats on your multiple brushes with greatness.