For the past five years, I’ve thrown one helluva New Year’s Eve EVE party. Yes, on the 30th. Yes, I know. Why wait until New Year’s Eve when you can get everyone blitzed out of their ever lovin’ minds one day early?
I have a very odd, but nice mix of friends. They all seem to play well together. And since they only see each other once a year – it’s like a big family reunion. Lots of dysfunction and lots of alcohol consumption. It’s like old home week.
A healthy dose of my friends are from the gym. In the gym, everyone is sweaty and gross. But on Tuesday everyone was gussied up. Needless to say, I barely recognized anyone. I talked to one gal for about three minutes before I realized who she was. And then I blurted out, “Girl, I barely recognized you with CLOTHES 
on!” The look on her face was priceless – although not as priceless as the look on her husband’s face. Daggers. Lots of ‘em. Until I explained myself.
Baby Jesus gives everyone one gift. Mine is the ability to make kick-ass martinis. The drinks are so unassuming that people get lit like Xmas trees before they know it. My good friend Gina actually walked sideways across the room once thanks to my world famous “Strawberry Lemon Drop Martini”. She blames it on the earth shifting unexpectedly on its axis … but I know better.
This year my friends Andrew & Nessa visited from Des Moines. I don’t think they get out very often because they were working the room more than Steve & Edie Gorme. Nessa graciously offered to take pics throughout the night. Thus, by the end of the evening pictures were either blurry or heads were unmercifully lopped off. Nessa blames low lighting and the fact that most of my friends are out of focus to begin with, but I know better.
When you have a party on December 30th, you don’t have to have the usual stupid party favors like champagne or noisemakers. You can spend that money on other incidentals … like strippers or cocaine. Unfortunately, all my friends are married and/or old … so most leave by 10pm because they are “tired”. Folks, admit it, you can’t handle your liquor and it has an adverse affect on you. I. Know. Better.
So Happy New Year, everyone. I know you all had fun at my party. You didn’t have a choice. And just so we’re all on the same page … I’m never eating or drinking again. Ever.