Make no mistake … I would be a semi-phenomenal father if I didn’t despise children.  I’m subject to all of my friend’s kids on a regular basis.  There’s no escaping them.  Anymore, I try my best to visit all my friends after 9pm – when I’m assured their kids will be sound asleep. 

I distinctly remember the first time I held a baby.  It was circa 1994 and one of my co-workers Geoff Greenwood and his wife Carrie had just reproduced.  Foolishly, I stopped up to the hospital to see how they were doing.  Faster than you can say umbilical cord, Geoff tossed the kid to me like it was a football shaped-infant.  I’ve never caught anything in my life before – but somehow managed not to fumble the wee one.  After about 30 seconds of holding the baby, I was bored.  It appeared to be a wrinkled sack of potatoes.  After nearly a minute of motionless awkwardness, I said, “Uh – is this all it does?”  I hadn’t even finished that sentence when the newborn simultaneously spit up and pooped itself – as if on cue.  

I spent most of last weekend hanging out with my best friend Deirdre and her kids.  Again, it was fun to watch the interaction of Deirdre with her unbridled three-year old, Collin.  He’s a ball of energy – and he’s always poised to throw a tantrum at any second.  We all waited on bated breath for the tantrum to be unleashed … mercifully, he spared us all. 

Dre handed me her kid while we were at the park.  She said, “Hold this” – as if it were a cooler or picnic basket.  I immediately flashed back to holding Geoff’s kid. 

This time though her 3-month old Declan made the best of a dicey situation.  He coo’d and giggled and looked at me adoringly.    Smart kid.   You’ll note the wide-eyed expression in this picture (his, not mine). 

I think he sensed I had no idea what I was doing. But eventually he relaxed and so did I.

My friend Kiki somehow decided I would make a decent Godfather to her third kid.  Foolish, foolish woman.  I just spent today running around with Keek and her brood.   I will admit – the kids are ridiculously well behaved.  They also resemble characters from “Children of the Corn”.    Getting three kids under eight years old to do your bidding takes an act of Congress.  Actually, getting three kids from Point A to Point B is practically a military operation.  We went to IKEA today.  Did you know IKEA has a romper room where you can drop your kids off?  How ingenious is that?  I know I’d be a lot more apt to spend my hard-earned money if my kid wasn’t screaming “I WANT THAT CHENILLE THROW PILLOW!   I WANT IT!”  (Knowing my kid, that’s what he’d be shouting.  Less I digress.)

I’m starting to warm up to kids … albeit slightly.  I believe that children are the future … teach them well and let them lead the way.   Just make sure it’s not IN my way.