“Ever had one of those days where you don’t look and feel your very best?  What’s that like?”

That, my friends, is my single mostest favoritest Hallmark greeting card ever printed in the history of the universe.  I have kept that card in circulation for years because I buy it in bulk.  It conveys in $2.29 the EXACT sentiment I’d like to share with all of my close friends (and some of my enemies.)

I think that card is genius … borderline brilliant.  Not only does it feature minimal copy, but it has a “Surprise!  Gotcha!” line on the inside that is both clever and snarky.   (Clever and snarky are my middle names.)   The card features a bitchy, irritated woman on the front of the card.  Her lips are half-pursed like she’s smoking an imaginary cigarette.  And her hair clearly required an ENTIRE bottle of AquaNet before the photo was taken.   If she weren’t a cartoon, I’d guarantee it was my mom, circa 1974.

That card inspired me to start writing my OWN greeting cards to hock to Hallmark.  Since I live in the card maker’s backyard and know umpteen people there, I thought I was a shoo-in to get my oh-so witty cards published — immediamante.   They would be subsequently rushed to a discerning, but appreciative public.  Nope, no such luck.  In fact, I actually got a “Thanks, but-don’t-send-us-anymore-insipid-cards, you loser” card from them.  Turns out they do have the perfect card for any occasion … including rejection.

Undaunted, I approached American Greetings in Ohio.  I had become obsessed with getting something I wrote out to the masses.  I sent seven cards in my first batch.  They were quickly dismissed, but I did get an e-mail from one of A.G.’s creative guys telling me that I was on the right track.  So I sent seven more.  Close, but still no cigar, he said.  Finally, after 21 tries, American Greetings picked one of my Valentine’s cards.  It read (and I quote):

(on the front of the card:)

Valentine’s Checklist?

*Flowers

*Candy

*Handcuffs

*Chocolates

(on the inside of the card:)

And you thought I’d forget the candy.  Happy Valentine’s Day!

I waited patiently for my $17,000+ check to arrive in my mailbox.  I expected to get residuals for that sucker for years to come.  I figured every March (on or near my BDay), I’d get a nice fat check from all the hedonistic, kinky or imprisoned people who liked my sense of humor.

Instead of I got a check for $200 and a waiver giving American Greetings all future rights to my card until the end of eternity.

As I look back now, I probably wrote 45+ cards and only ONE got published.  Not to mention the countless weeks I spent trying to be pithy … or pithier.  I became a neurotic wreck. If you do the math, that $200 worked out to about $0.88 an hour.   I spent my check on therapy and a few writing classes.

It was money well earned.