In my latest episode of Halls’ “What The Chic”, I get to wear false eyelashes as part of a great sight gag.   The sight gag is that I had no sight … I couldn’t see past the gigantic palm fronds hanging off my eyelids.

The make-up artist raved about how exquisite these were.  Made of genuine ostrich feathers.  Delicately woven.  And hand-dyed to match my own eyelashes.   She’s telling me this as she’s slathering me up with some sort of epoxy, mind you.  I figured my eyes would be stuck together for days.

Once they were applied, I had a difficult time opening my eyes.  Who knew ostrich feathers would weigh approximately 46lbs. on each eyeball?  I had to concentrate holding my head up for the fear of paraplegia.

I knew the segment was going well when an audience started standing around the make-up counter.  With all the lights and crush of humanity, I started to get hot.  The audience members were temperature controlled, however.  Every time I’d bat my eyelashes, it would create this fan effect to keep them cool.  I’m a giver.

False eyelashes are not making a comeback … mainly because they never left.  They just became higher quality and far more expensive.  No more tacky tarantula lashes.  Today’s faux eyelashes can be custom-made, custom-dyed and custom-sized just for you.

Drag queens all over the world are breathing a collective sigh of relief.  Ostriches, meanwhile, are up in arms … er, wings.