Even though Missouri is well above the Mason-Dixon line, it still has a strange Southern accent all its own.  I learned that this weekend when I was in Humansville, Missouri, sorry, Missour-ah.  The closer you inch your way to Arkansas or the Ozarks, the more twang you hear in people’s speech.

I’d like to say it’s a very subtle accent, but after this weekend I’m not so sure.

Case in point — when I was asked before a steak dinner, “What would you laaahk on them there baked ‘taters?”  I actually had to stop and check to make sure I wasn’t in West Virginia for a moment.  I responded, “Did you just say ‘taters’?”  The chef-in-question said … “Well, I could have said ‘Pooooe-taaaaay-tooooes’, but then you might have thought I was a Yankee.”

Good point.

In the rural south everything is methodically drawn out … for instance, the word “south” has sixteen syllables and is pronounced “Suhhhhh-yowwwww-owwwww-tttthhhhh.”  But in the Ozarks, everything is shortened for the sake of brevity and/or laziness.  The aforementioned potatoes are ‘taters.  Tomatoes are ‘maters.  And my personal favorite, “Howenyermommaenthem?”  (Read it slowly.)  It’s hillbilly for “So, I was wondering … how your family is … including your mother and everyone else?”

The phrase that is universally used in Ozark country is “purt-near”.  You can use it in place of “almost”, “nearly,” “close to” or “about”.  Here’s an example, “I purt-near done killed that rabid badger with my own bare hands.”  Or “That was purt-near the best darn huckleberry pie I ever did eat.”

I’m not sure exactly where the switch flips in Missouri.  By and large, people in Kansas City and St. Louis don’t have an accent.  Typically, it’s that bland Midwest diction … with a hint of nasal overtones.  But go one hour directly south and it’s like stepping in to the backwaters of Mississippi.  Done becomes “durn”.  Get becomes “git”.  Casserole becomes “vittles”.  And any sort of four-legged nuisance becomes a “varmint”.

After a couple hits of moonshine (which the locals call “hooch”), I was unusually thick-tongued.  Maybe this whole speech pattern thing is alcohol-induced?  That would make a lot of sense.