A few years ago during an audition I said, “Being in front of the camera is like riding a bike, you never really forget how to do it.”  I am now eating my words … and then some.  Since I’m used to being behind-the-camera, it’s been quite a trip to be on the flip side as the new spokesman for Halls Department Store.   Uh, I completely forgot how to act.

During the first principal day of shooting, I stammered and stuttered my way through each commercial.  I would find myself forgetting lines, botching lines, talking too fast, talking too slow and the list goes on and on.  I don’t normally talk with my hands, but the minute the camera rolled I suddenly became a horribly incompetent sign language interpreter.  I was every director’s (including my own) worst nightmare.  Really, all I wanted was to do a good job for the department store.  Unfortunately, my nerves got the best of me that day.   Despite all my snafus and blunders, I still managed to make my college acting professor proud.   She gave me one piece of advice.   “Whatever happens when you’re on TV … don’t swear, don’t fart and don’t black out.”  She makes a good point.  Two of out three ain’t bad, though.

Now that I’m getting a little more comfortable with my pending superstardom, the acting part is coming a lot easier.  I’ve learned to loosen up in rehearsals.  And I’ve actually come to appreciate my director Darren Mark’s odd cues.  (And by appreciate, I mean tolerate.)  For instance, instead of saying “Michael, shut up and listen to me!” he’ll stand in front of me and furiously pantomime a “time-out” gesture like they do in football.    It’s one of a long list of quirks he has.  I’m sure I have just as many weird tics and crutches I use as a director, but it’s fun to mock him.   Plus, now that I’m “talent”, I can get away with my diva-esque tirades.  (MAKEUP!)  It’s delightful really.

This week’s shoot was a hodgepodge of “How To’s” … like how to apply glam makeup, how to decorate a killer Xmas tree, how to wear Shooties (uh, boot/shoe combos) and my personal favorite, how to dazzle your guests with the perfect tablescape.  I’m like Martha Stewart, except much funnier and better dressed.

It’s weird, scary and a little nerve-wracking that a store has built an entire holiday campaign around yours truly.  I’m really trying to make it stand out in a sea of holiday advertisements.  Halls wants the webisodes to go viral.  I’m leaving that part up to you, my dear readers.  If you like what you see tell EVERYONE you know and keep the dream (and my bonus check) alive.  They start rolling out around November 1^st.

Now would someone PLEASE get me a bottled water … at exactly 72 degrees, with a straw, for Chrissake?  God, who does a boy have to know around here!?