I spent less than 48 hours at the farmstead this weekend.  And I spent even less time with the fine folks of Humansville, Missouri.  (Or as they say down there … Missour-ah.)  But, man, did I learn a lot of useless information that will forever be seared in to my medulla oblongata.  It was an interesting biology lesson, and I hated biology.

A flier at local grocery store said, “Whole Frozen Armadillos Wanted”, followed by little tabs to tear off with the phone number.   My friend Mike would have been a fool not to call, right?  Turns out that a local college was doing research on leprosy.  Armadillos, I kid you not, carry the dreaded disease and they needed the tissue.   How many friends do you know that have whole armadillos in their freezer?  Mike had several halved armadillos, which was unfortunate since the flier mandated WHOLE.

Note to self: do NOT touch armadillos from here on out.

Out in the boondocks, it is pitch black.  It was a full moon this weekend so there was just enough light for me to find my way to the outhouse.  I kid … there was indoor plumbing.   But I did notice a strange blue glowing orb in the nearby field.  The light would hover about five feet off the ground and then dissipate.  And then would intermittently reappear with no explanation.  I quizzed Mike the next day.  He said, “Oh, that’s foxfire.”   I said, “The Clint Eastwood movie?”  He said, “Nope, foxfire is caused by the methane in cow’s stomachs.  When they fart en masse, it tends to illuminate the entire herd.”

I thought he was pulling my leg.  Nope, another true story.

A rabid skunk was blown to smithereens by a neighbor a few weeks back.  I immediately wanted to know how the neighbor knew the varmint was rabid.  Mike mentioned that rabid creatures often act bizarrely.  “They are sluggish or move in weird ways,” Mike said.  “Like if you see a nocturnal animal out in daylight coming at you, shoot it.”  I asked, “Well, how did the neighbor know the skunk was officially rabid?”  Mike said, “Who cares?  Better to shoot first and ask questions later.”  I’ve seen a lot of humans who are sluggish and act weird.  I’m gonna assume they are rabid from now on … and off them.  It’s the law of the land.

Oh, the things you learn on the farm.